


borderline peace of mind

by patchworkgirlofoz



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23803993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchworkgirlofoz/pseuds/patchworkgirlofoz
Summary: A simple scene rewrite imagining that Fjord and Caduceus' roles to each other were switched.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Kudos: 39





	borderline peace of mind

“I can let you speak with Her, if you want,” Fjord says, and this catches Caduceus by surprise. 

Fjord has placed aside his scale armor coated with barnacles by his shield, and is standing before him now wearing only a light shirt and trousers, his feet bare against the earth. Caduceus, who is all bones and no fat, cannot imagine it. Even the slightest breeze has him shuddering and he is wearing the heavy cloak he purchased while they were in Xhorhas. But Fjord has a special connection to nature, and perhaps this is one of those gifts She grants to him. 

“To the Wildmother?” Caduceus asks. 

“If you want to,” Fjord says. “If you have questions. I know - this is a difficult time for you, after everything that has happened. But I think you have the right to know, at least a little bit, about one of the paths you could take. In no way is it, uh, a vow or binding or anything.” 

He looks a bit sheepish - Caduceus isn’t sure why. He’s been adamant for a long time that he was desperate to find a way out of this contract, this relationship with Talona which has never been in his favor. But Fjord has always been uncertain in the way one often is when they try their best to cover it with bravado. He’s been letting down his guard, more and more with the Mighty Nein, and Caduceus is beginning to see more than just a path in him but a person also, as afraid and confused in his role as Caduceus is with his own.

Caduceus watches Fjord start placing the candles and incense, coming to sit by his side when Fjord gestures for him to do so.

“I can give you three questions,” Fjord said. “Are you ready?”

Caduceus nods. He isn’t, but he won’t say as much. Fjord takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and lets his body fall into the trance. 

“.... Why me?” Caduceus asks, because that is very much on the forefront of his mind. “Below the tree, why did you decide to help me? Talona is… everything you aren’t. Everything about what I’ve done in service to her, would seem to be repugnant to you. What is it that you see in me?”

He’s asking the Wildmother, but he finds he thinks he might be asking the same of Fjord as well. 

Fjord frowns slightly after passing the question along. A slight breeze passes over the two of them, neither strong nor warm, but present. Then, with the slightest shake of his head, he says, “I think that is the wrong question, or - I’m not sure if She can respond to it, in the limits of commune.” 

Caduceus somehow thinks that makes sense to him, innately, the way Fjord’s relationship with the Wildmother always has. “It doesn’t have that kind of answer,” he says, “I think I understand.”

Fjord doesn’t smile exactly. “I’m very… _very_ new at this myself, so I don’t know, but I think these kinds of things should be, er, more straightforward.” 

“More straightforward... huh.” Caduceus trails off, trying to trap down the slight giddiness that rises through the bubbles of uncertainty trapped in his chest. Breathe in, breathe out. What is it he wants from this chance, this opportunity presented before him? It is a wide, vast path spread out before him with many options, so many they cannot be counted, and so very overwhelming. The best thing he can think of to do is to fall back to the smaller, personal concerns, and start from there. 

He thinks about his relationship to death, that strange line between causing it to his enemies and warding it off his friends through protecting them, and misses his powers so deeply that it aches. His spectors and hexes, the cloak of files, even speaking with the dead... but he couldn’t imagine the Wildmother would place those powers back in his hands, even if She could.

“The talents, the gifts that were mine before, I would like them back. Many of them were strange or disturbing, but they were mine, and they kept my friends safe in their way. They kept me safe for a long time, when I was alone,” Caduceus says, “Would that be possible in your service at all?” 

Starting from the beginning with his friends so far ahead of him, he wouldn’t be able to keep up, to journey with them together. That would be - more than unacceptable. He feels responsible for them, for their welfare. More than the rest, that sense of duty and protectiveness has guided him further and further away from Talona. 

Fjord smiles. The wind around them picks up, tugs at Caduceus’s long bone white hair. It is warmer now, stronger. A gust of it blows past them, enough power in it that he feels for a moment they will be overwhelmed and the candles blown out, but when it withdraws, everything is still perfectly in place. 

“Yes,” Fjord laughs, “I believe that’s a yes.” 

Caduceus allows himself to smile in response. “Well. That’s a good sign.”

“It is,” Fjord says. He gives Caduceus a warm gaze, and then drops it almost immediately, closing his eyes once more. 

For the third question, Caduceus isn’t sure how to phrase his feelings. He isn’t exactly sure what it is he wants to ask. Even when he thinks he might have a grasp of it, the words tumble out of him in a disorganized fashion. 

“I want to know if this is the path you want from me - or, that isn’t right. If you want me at all, or for some sign that I’m moving in the right direction. For you, and towards what you want, and what services you are asking that I would then fulfill for you.” 

Fjord is still smiling, but he ducks his head a little. The wind picks up again, not as strong but certainly as warm. Caduceus feels it play again with his hair and can’t help but want to lean into it a little, despite himself. . 

“Caduceus,” Fjord says. He shakes his head, slightly, though there’s no sense of disagreement or displeasure in the motion. “Don’t you see, that is - exactly what this is? Everything leading you up to this point - all your friends, me as well, and especially this moment. We are here for you. She’s here with you, with us.” 

He looks at Caduceus, so serious and intent that it is impossible to pay attention to anything else. Even the biting cold and the strange, supernatural wind fade into the background now.

“I know you have fought it for so long, but the grief you’ve carried with you is only going to become empathy,” Fjord says, “Empathy that which you can shield someone else with. You just... need to allow yourself to move forward.” 

Fjord reaches out and grips his arm, so tight it almost hurts, but Caduceus is grateful for the grounding. “Let that go with Talona. Let that grief and that pain bleed out of you, along with her poison. You don’t need it now, or her, ever again.” His eyes are searching as they move across Caduceus’ face. “You have family here, with us, and you will find the other side. And with that will be the strength to help others go through the same process.” 

Caduceus has trouble imagining that could ever be the case. The cavernous grief he feels from the loss of his family, the helplessness he felt, dangling from Talona’s grasp. It is almost too burdensome to believe that from that, anything good should come. Let alone from someone like Caduceus who only felt lost beneath it. 

And yet a part of Caduceus is undeniably drawn to that idea of the future, and to the person who speaks of it like a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> I had intended this to be a little longer and cover the whole scene, but I think I got fatigued after the fairytale au fic. Still, I think for a thought exercise it still was worth writing and sharing. Today's song from my fjorclay playlist, from which I took the lyrics to get a title, is Blindfold by Charlie Cunningham.
> 
> I forgot to mention the prompt! This is for the Class Switch prompt.


End file.
